It seems like I wrote more each day of the class?
Friday: June 24, 2011 – Day 6
Why do I get annoyed or sad? It isn’t that I expect too much of someone but rather that I expect something at all. Expecting someone to understand what you say instantly, to understand you already know something, etc is what seems to cause my discomfort. I become irritated by something I don’t expect or ‘like to hear’ through my ears. I need to learn that people don’t know that you expect them to know, just like I don’t know a lot of things. There is no reason to have discomfort over such things – it is bad for yourself and the other person. I see myself and others saying/thinking something similar to ‘why did not know that, why did you do that’ – this kind of surprised yet condescending statement does not help in any situation and is really just an impulse. It will honestly lead to the person to feel sad, depressed, angry, annoyed, unwanted, etc. Unless they specifically told you to point out what they could have improved on or what they need to remember, snapping back always negatively affects them, and even then what you say should be obviously more positive. Of course this is extremely difficult to do. When I am talking about something I am extremely interested in, or something I have a lot of knowledge and insight in, it is natural to expect someone to know exactly what you are talking about. However we rarely realize that everyone is interested in different things. Its then that I realize when I act annoyed or get angry that I am being selfish and acting like the world revolves around me, that everything I think about and talk about is what everyone else cares and thinks about as well.
I think my back problem is simply caused from a lack of movement. I know that a lot of these chronic diseases have a root cause that comes from the mind. Nothing is particularly diagnosable from western medicine – only a warning that you might have x disease in the future and only then the doctors can tell (but then it is too late and before then they can only give you pain pills and afterwards you will get surgery of some kind and never recover). Thanks for that curse, “Come back when you are worse and otherwise it is nothing”.
Now that I think about it, all the things I did to stay healthy weren’t mainly to be healthy at all. I liked to exercise and started to do things like breakdancing because of the same reasons as a lot of people. It was fun, exciting, risky, made me friends, popular, cool, etc. Of course there was some passion of martial arts and fitness mixed in there; it felt exhilarating. However eating healthy and exercising and doing activities were purely for the sake of doing cooler things. I ended up practicing because I wanted to do cooler stuff because it felt good (other people would call this expressing yourself through your body). So what happened after I got my injury – I ignored my body and continued to want to do cool stuff when obviously I couldn’t. I ignored my problems and proceeded to develop more problems. Having to start over from 1 pushup really killed my spirit to keep exercising after being able to say 50 of them before. Having to limp, then walk, and then job when I could sprint so easily before. Having to watch and relearn until I could play with my friends. It was me experiencing failure on a physical level and being humble to that was something I couldn’t understand at the time. No wonder I got worse?