Saturday: June 25, 2011 – Day 7
Today it didn’t rain today so I when I woke up at 4:30 I went out to run so I added 1 hour and 30 minutes to my running time for a total of 2 hours and 10 minutes. No problems except that during the running my right leg (thigh area) started hurting. This is good since running makes my back open up and loosen up and thus I get a pain I used to have before (qi chong bi zao). Eventually that pain fades after continued exercise. I don’t even… it still seems crazy to me I was able to keep going after so long. My legs didn’t feel tired, and I thought by then I would have gotten either bored or mentally tired. It wasn’t the case.
I have been doing this for 7 days now. I guess 5 days on my own really showed me I can do this on my own. I know the situation is not the same here as at home or at school because of all the other distractions, school work, and people. But my heart has definitely changed. Today I feel like doing everything here; I feel like all of these decisions aren’t even mine anymore. In some sense something is pulling me to do this (not me, my mom, the teachers, the students, etc). It is as if I unconsciously need to do this. I hope I continue to feel this such that it becomes a habit. I don’t need to think about doing all these things anymore; none of these things are a burden and rather a necessity. Even after the 1st class, these exercises were always a burden and got ‘in the way’ of my schoolwork and fun. When I got back to school I didn’t do them every day and still wanted to get better. I know better now. Will I eat today, tomorrow, the next day? Why wouldn’t I do the same for all of this?
They say, “If you are able to do 10% of what we do here then you are already doing well.” The thing is that that 10% is for the rest of your life is far more effective that any amount in a short 9 days. Those short few hours per day always seem like forever before you do them, an eternity when you do them, and nothing after it’s over. I can always look back and wish I had done more beforehand. I know I will maintain a new lifestyle and stick to it – I don’t need to set up goals/promises to wake up at a certain time each day or do something that day – I just will do it.
Ok I cried my heart out – I shouted/cried as loud as I could. Zhang lao shi helped me pai my back – it really felt a lot looser than before (when I twist my elbows and shoulders back It feels weird (making the elbow like a chicken wing). I have probably never shouted so loud for so long – never cried so much – never had so much snot and spit come out. I knew it hurt – I thought to myself – tong zi bu tong – thank you – I love you – yes – more – hurting now will make it hurt less later – I can do this.
Ok. I just looked at my roommate’s profile picture. My news feed that said it would be his birthday tomorrow; out of nowhere I just started crying. Of course it’s not because I figured out I disliked him or I that I did something wrong – I just think it’s because I really cannot appreciate enough his help and him and lastly that I miss him and my friends. I miss the people I’ve interacted with. I even miss the people I used to hate, be annoyed by, old friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I will try to contact everyone. I should focus on first my parents – both my mom and dad, then my closest friends who I still talk to – then friends who I haven’t talked to and people who I either ignore or don’t bother to talk to because I was scared/not willing. I felt that I didn’t appreciate what I had – I know that having goals, even big goals are not a problem. However don’t make those goals stresses on your life – don’t let what you set up to be a positive thing a burden for yourself – push yourself but know your immediate limits and start small. I think the hardest thing for before was having to start small or start over. Why did I not want to exercise or move or do anything? If someone told me, “hey we are going to play Frisbee (or something else” I would respond no I can’t my back is messed up. Everytime I said that it would be one more opportunity missed to better my health, one more time I would be sitting or lying down by myself. It became an impulse – I couldn’t even begin to question myself whether I should do any physical activity. These are things I love to do – I actually to love to run, love to exercise, love to play sports. I lost hope, started to listen too much to my doctors and eventually myself that I would never get better. Of course I realize now that I should of played even more than normal. The more it hurts the more I need to do something, since the more I do the less it hurts. There’s a simple phrase for this in English as well: “if you don’t move it, you lose it.”
What will make me get up? What will make me not lazy and do take action? What will make me listen to what my parents, teachers, friends have to say? What will make me not hesitate, not worry, not fear , not doubt? Knowing that they know what is good for me, that I know moving is key to my health, that I am in control and know I can get better and be a better person.
I realized there were a lot of situations where I was by myself, alone. I guess I was like an outcast – not included. I can’t speak/understand Chinese well enough in a room with Chinese people. I had allergies so I couldn’t eat food or go a lobster house or sushi place. I didn’t like going to parties or do what I thought were weird things, etc). I couldn’t go with my friends to do outdoor activities or do them well after my back problem. I was allergic to dogs/cats at one point. These situations shouldn’t set me back.
After meditation – Wow it really helps to write down what are you feeling (right when it happens) – you quickly forget what you were thinking. Yes this writing is pretty horrible but hey I am literally writing what is coming to my mind as I am thinking it so it feels raw and real, there shouldn’t be any need to worry about format/grammar I suppose. Especially since the schedule is kind of packed and there isn’t that much time to do so. I should definitely try writing a blog. Eventually I would like to talk about this with my grandparents, my dad, my friends mom who has cancer and originally told me about this but isn’t doing it, my high school, Georgia Tech, whoever is willing.
While I was meditating (right after 4 people helped me pai dai both my legs), I was picturing myself being able to bend down without any effort or pain and running smoothly without anything on my mind or anything bothering me. I teared up after this and told myself that I should be content with just that – being healthy. Everything else is secondary – whatever my future goals, plans, obstacles, problems – nothing else should stress me out because nothing is as important as my health – if I’m struggling as a diseased person what good does anything have? School, money, fame, and all of my other wants do not matter. – this time when I meditated I also felt I guess qi flowing up my back and something like heat and warmth flowing through my hands, feet, and back. Cool?