Wow its so hard to write anything short every week. I was having some thoughts about leaving school a while ago. Basically, why don’t I just take a semester off to just get better and then come back? It’s probably not realistic and unlikely to work the way I want it to.
I think a lot of us have this problem. It occurs when we believe we need to do something so we feel like we have to schedule a large chunk of time either every day, week, month to do this thing. This thing could be in my case making sure I do yixingtianxia everyday for as long as possible. For other people it could be trying to exercise, or working on a free-time project. Basically we believe that we have to be intensely focused on a certain activity for hours in order to have good results. Thinking about it now, this applies to studying as well. We put aside the whole weekend to study and we end up getting distracted, getting demotivated, and getting mad when other people or other things get in your way. I think it usually is unrealistic to think that we could ever get that much done with a long block of time for anything. If I can’t take the semester off, the what can I do? I can try to figure out a way and learn how to deal with it. It may seem unfair, hard, and impossible but its probably how it should work. We all need to take responsibility for all we have to do, prioritize what really matters, and not complain by realizing what we have (being humble) and understanding that worrying/complaining does not help the situation. Everyone has the time managment problem.
I think to myself, “I wish I had a weekend or week where all I could do is __”. The blank would be anything ‘productive’. Given all that time to make a video game, a website, a program, or exercise, i’m sure most of it is wasted because it has always been that way. I’m not so sure I could dedicate a whole semester to trying to heal myself, given how tiring/painful it will be. So instead its why i’m experimenting on what I can do now to increase the rate at which I can help myself. For one, I am trying to spend the minimum time possible on my classes. Either I do the homework first and not look over it again (only giving my self a set time to do it) or instead purposely procrastinate and give myself an estimated time by doing it the hours before a class. Now this might seem counter-intuitive, scary, and stupid but hey its working so far. Normally homework over the weekend goes like this: its Friday or the weekend starts. No one wants to start homework. We start it, get distracted and now fast forward to Sunday and almost nothing is done. Why don’t I just start it Sunday in the first place a concentrate doing the important hours and just finish it? Yeah, it takes a bit of confidence and guessing based on the assignment.
What would I do during the time I don’t do the work? Since I created a medium size block of time to do anything, I can now use that time to work on that small project, or do my exercises. I don’t feel any worries during this time because I am not thinking about anything else. I am completely concentrated on getting better. I think that its so important to keep realizing what your goals are and what are some of the things that really count. Something that counts for me is staying healthy enough to keep doing what I am interested in. Its not worth worrying about anything. Its so hard to do this in practice but its vital.
Many people have decided that in order to be happy, we have to do something which leads to happiness. If happiness is a state of being, what is ‘doing’ going to do for you? I think sometimes all of us forget that we are talking about ‘being’. After all, we are human ‘beings’ not human ‘doings’… so maybe we should think about the opposite: “By being happy we can continue to do things.” I hope I can continue to remember what this means.
I certainly have a lot to work on. I am still complaining about a lot of the same things as before. Its still often that I might feel frustrated when there really isn’t a reason to act that way given I can understand the other point of view. I’m sure as I continue to improve myself mentally that it will only help in my healing process.
This was a lot more random of a post than I thought it would be.
Update: By the way, my back definitely feels a lot better than before. I don’t seem to have as much of a problem/pain with bending down anymore. My mom is noticing that I walk funny so I need to work on that. My skin is very slowly improving as well. I still feel really good about my situation and am happy for if not my continued dedication to maintenance of my health but also for all the improvements I have experienced. I should be (and am) really glad I am still so positive. (Why shouldn’t I be?)